It is that time of year when the shops and restaurants are filled with hearts and roses. That’s right, the dreaded Valentine’s day is approaching.
Apparently, the UK spends a whopping £1.3 billion on cards, flowers, chocolates and other gifts. Disposable income spent on disposable gifts.
Personally, I have never enjoyed this festive day.
Although this holiday has no bearing on your relationship (if you are in one), people ‘profess’ to be overtly into each other on February 14th. The reason behind this escapes me but I’ve witnessed some couples going into overdrive. Some even decide on Valentine’s day to propose to their loved one, because this day is labeled and thought of as the most romantic day of the year. It’s a bit arbitrary when you stop and think about it.
Other couples enjoy sitting in restaurants paying over the odds for a meal to demonstrate their love. For others, their bedroom antics get vamped up on this “special day”. Comfy pants and mismatched socks are disregarded and out comes the big guns – expensive underwear, stockings, suspenders, toys, lubrication, edible paint, body bows…you name it and it will probably sell out at this time of year.
But this style of seduction is not my forte.
No, I am not that girl.
One boyfriend even asked if I owned any other bras other than sports ones. Yes, I do, however, I am a busy woman; sports bras help me cope with the (ahem) impact of life! And when I do get down to the nitty-gritty I tend to de-robe myself. I have no time for pussyfooting around (pardon the pun). Furthermore, I am yet to find a guy who can successfully take a bra off without looking like Andy Murray when the umpire’s decision has gone against him.
Whether it is Valentine’s day or if you are just trying to spice things up with your significant other I suggest you do not follow my lead or that of my acquaintances with our seduction techniques…
Back in the day when a friend of mine pulled, she would take them back to her flat then put on the Mighty Boosh for some light entertainment. One drunken night though she had forgotten about her mighty bush and so quietly slipped away to prune. Returning to her boy feeling proud that she was now prepared, she sat draped over him. With a horrified look, he said, “you have blood pouring down your leg are you ok?”… This relationship lasted 6.5yrs – bloody impressive if you ask me!
One female friend decided to try and relive her youth with her bloke after being together for a decade. Reminiscing about their sex in a tent at a music festival whilst using poppers …they decided to recreate the scenario. Poppers are essentially alkyl nitrites: butyl nitrite, isopropyl nitrite, isobutyl nitrite and amyl nitrite. They dilate the blood vessels and allow more blood to get to the heart. Now poppers are meant to make you feel really warm all over (particularly the face) and you will blush and supposedly they also make you very horny. They can also be fatal if you have a heart condition, they make you feel sick and can cause chemical burns.
During this poor couple’s sexy popping experience the aforementioned poppers ended up in her guy’s eyeball. So unfortunately for all concerned, the session was called to an abrupt halt as his eyeball started to swell and change colour. They dressed and ended up in A&E. Hospital trips seem to be common for this couple. Previously she was admitted with a really bad urine infection caused by too much sex. When told by the Doctor what was wrong with her (a UTI) her loving partner by her side asked; “Can I catch it?”
Another Valentine’s day a different friend decided to dress up for her husband as a surprise when he returned home from work. As he opened the door, she was at the top of the stairs in her birthday suit, sky-scrapper heels, and nipple tassels. You can probably guess what comes next. Dignity, pose and grace stayed at the top of the stairs and she was left at the bottom in a crumpled heap with horrendous back pain that required months of treatment with the osteopath. I told you Valentine’s Day is expensive!
Even my own mother got it wrong by accidently texting me instead of her partner. Let’s just say he was unwell and it involved her dressing up as a nurse to help him. I then got a second message from her “That was not for you!!!” Yeah I gathered that…😬
Okay, okay I have also tried and failed – I will be honest. I decided to visit the guy I was sort of dating one Halloween whilst dressed in my seductive sailor’s outfit. Not very scary but give me credit for trying! I assumed he was home alone but when I got there his flat-mate and her friend were too (in normal clothes). I pretended I was cold and kept my coat on. Being considerate types they put the heating on. Sweltering is not the word. I had no choice – I had to take my coat off. I will always remember their faces and the laughter. However, I think they got the message and finally left so that we could have our Halloween treats!
Personally, I think I am going to stick with my 3 for £10 M&S knickers, sports bra’s and my hats that hide my un-brushed hair. I am not fooling myself I will never be the queen of seduction Dita Von Teese but occasionally it is fun to make a little effort.
This Valentine’s day you have been WARNED: attempt seduction at your own risk!
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